#like I have to manage my diet so hard or I’ll be up all night then faint from sleep deprivation n apparently bein tired isn’t an ADHD thing

[lestcat-de-lioncourt]

how do ppl be saying they have ADHD and don’t even know what experiencing symptoms are like and are offensive when ppl with ADHD actually express them in their presence irl (unless they have ADHD and internalise hate/ableism, that I’m not counting)

[esggs]

tired manager!Nanami x kpop idol!reader

He’s sick, absolutely sick of you. In all his underpaid overworked years as an idol manager, he’s never seen one as impossible as you. 

You’re the centre, lead singer, and the most popular member of your girl group ‘R0ck-Chic’. The princess of K-Pop. Ranked Top10 on Billboard and Melon, brand ambassador for Chanel. Photocards for $1500 retail. Face straight out of a manhwa, bubblegum-sweetheart personality, born a musical genius too!

But that’s just on camera.  

“Prissy bitch.”

Nanami keeps his thoughts to himself. He’s doubling as a bodyguard-cum-manager for your M-Net Music Show, watching you yell at your hairstylist backstage. She accidentally burned a piece of your hair extensions off, but hey, it was a fucking accident! The poor lady is nearly in tears at your cruel words. No one really likes working with you, not your staff, not the other members of your group, because underneath the Estée Lauder Double Wear foundation is a secret none of your massive fanbase knows: You’re a cunt. 

“Nanami-san!” At least you’re still calling him with honorifics, even though he’s cringing thinking about what harsh command your majesty shall bark at him. “God, Nanami-san, where the fuck are you? When’s our show going to begin? Can’t get on stage in time, can’t get my makeup done on time-” You cast an evil look at the makeup-artist, who promptly bursts into tears too. “- I’m surrounded by useless trashcans!”

Miwa, the leader of R0ck-Chic, hesitantly tries to calm you down. “Ah, yn, it’s ok, they’re setting up the stage right now so–”

“– I believe it’s prudent to look at the other groups’ rehearsals and analyse the competition, miss.” Nanami steps in. He really hates his job, having to babysit the most spoilt celeb on the planet. When he speaks, he means it to everyone around you. “Let’s all use this time to the fullest, yes?” 

(Later on he’d go and apologise to the people you brought to tears. Not that he’s under any obligation to do so, he’s simply a gentleman like that. And maybe he cares about your reputation.)

You grumble, taking the ice-chips that Nanami offers you. It’s hard to be angry with diet-abiding ice-chips in your mouth. “Don’t need to ‘analyse’ any stupid competition. R0ck-Chic has me, and I’m the best.” 

The fucking audacity, Nanami cringes. And she’s not even wrong. That’s the worst part. 

You kill it on stage that night. Broadcasted live, the TV ratings spike immediately when you come on screen, bootleg solo fancams flooding Twitter and your ending fairy goes viral. The photocard prices jump up to $2000. 

There’ll be stalkers tonight following the car. I’ll have to drive through the offside path. Nanami took all the security measures that any manager worth their salt would.

Only he didn’t account for how crazy your stalkers would get tonight in particular. Even the offside has large unmarked SUVs, waiting to trail your car to a standstill. Sasaengs.

You’re in your sweatpants, performance makeup off, texting away inside the car that Nanami is driving right now, clearly no idea of how much danger you’re in. A fan would simply take your autograph and leave happily. Sasaengs, especially ones of this calibre, would stab you. At least she’s not screaming. Yet. 

He’s very correct. Because the moment that he tells you that you’ll have to stay in the dance studio tonight (can’t risk leaking the group dorm location to the stalkers), screaming is exactly what you do. 

“You promised I’d go home!” You stamp your feet on the ground, chuck your phone at him, throwing a proper fit. “I’m sick of you stupid fuckers ruining everything! Everyone is dogshit here!” The regular migraine that comes after dinner-time drives nails into Nanani’s temple. “Nanami-san, you dumb fucking gasbag! I’m tired! I-WANT-TO-GO-HOME!”

“SO-DO-I!”

Both you and Nanami are shocked silent. No one has ever talked back to you since you became famous, and you became famous at the age of 5. It’s weird. It’s interesting. 

Poor Nanami-san now has to deal with all the drama you cause as well as this new problem: you might be growing a teeny weeny crush on him.  

Bonus: you have to buy a new phone. stop throwing phones. 

masterlist

a/n: I have insomnia and a bad cold. no one has suffered like me.

[svt-rosalie]

hewwoo im not sure if you are taking asks hehe . how does the members take care of young little rosie when she newly debuted ,

. . . ♡ ROSIE ! ? 🪷 HEADCANNONS ★ ﾟ๑

ׁ ׅ ୨ ❪ seventeen! ❫ ୧ ⊹ ࣪

© 2023 , svt-rosalie rosalie masterlist!

author note! decided to just do the hyung line for this ask (sorry) but if you want the maknae line vers. i’ll do that sometime soon, you’ll just have to remind me <3

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ seungcheol

he always, always walked her to school!

cheol was worried about the fact that she would lose her way to school and she would be alone.

so instead he woke up at 5 o’clock every morning with her and walked her hand in hand to the school 6 blocks away.

rosie would blabber away about what she’s looking foward to that day of school whilst seungcheol just smiles

gives her a hug and kiss on the forehead once they get to the gate!

he definitely doesn’t glare at the boys and girls that are giving rosie compliments on her hair, makeup, shoes, ect. that don’t sound very platonic

screams “i love you my rosebud! have a good day. study hard!” when she’s only like 10 feet away, embarrassing her for the whole day!

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ jeonghan

jeonghan’s the one that made sure she is up on time for anything and everything.

rosie sleeps like a rock, so no alarm or noise will wake her up. one time vernon thought she was dead.

jeonghan was the only one that could her up at the time and it was his designated role!

hannie would lay out her school uniform already ironed and steamed. the other boys definitely got jealous of this but what can jeonghan say, rosie is the favorite!

and jeonghan is proud to announce it.

jeonghan would make sure her bag was packed and that all her homework due that day was in the correct folder.

rosie is big on being neat. everything is color coded

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ joshua

shua would keep an eye on her during music shows.

rosie gets distracted easily and would wonder around speaking to other artist or employees and that led to joshua being in charge of her

he wanted to buy one of those like backpack leashes but was told it was stupid so he didn’t

he really wanted to though

joshua also (don’t let anybody know) would sing rosie to sleep

rosie would have a hard time being away from her parents and joshua would lay next to the girl while her head is on his chest and sing/hum different songs

sometimes rosie would teach him classic french songs so he could sing her to sleep with them

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ junhui

cooked and made her lunches every single day. and i mean every single day.

he always made sure she ate

he knew how strenuous her diet was compared to the boys and it just didn’t seem fair

so junnie would always sneak in snacks he knew the managers wouldn’t approve of and made sure she ate them

as well as drank as much water as she needed knowing she would forget some times

rosie is his little baby and he never wanted her to have bad memories to look back on during her debut days, only the good

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ hoshi

hoshi was never helpful when it came to school but always took care of her during practice

rosie tended to overwork herself, she is a big perfectionist!

and hoshi noticed that some nights she would stay past the time needed just constantly working on parts she thought was wrong but hoshi couldn’t see the problem

hoshi would always give her encouraging words and let her know she was doing amazing!

which was enough for rosie.

knowing that hoshi thought she was doing great and that her rhythm fit well with the choreography was enough to stop her overthinking mind

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ wonwoo

wonwoo was still is rosie’s favorite during and before their debut era

reason being is because, wonwoo would help with her homework and i mean help, he would do it all for her

half the reason she passed her korean literacy class was because of wonwoo!

besides that though, wonwoo was very helpful with her school work and always made sure that she took care of her mental and physical health before he pressured her into finishing her homework and then going to tutoring

he also would lie about the fact that he allowed rosie to play games when she was suppose to be asleep

everyone knows but wonwoo will never admit it

୭ৎ ࣪ ׅ woozi

(un)surprisingly enough woozi was rosie’s rock, you could say, during debut

when rosie would get hateful message sent via social media and through the company, woozi always ALWAYS stood up for her

and no matter how busy he was, he would attend all of rosie’s events big or small

instead of helping her with school he would help her with her lyrics that she so badly wanted to write

because in rosie’s words she wants to be just as poetic with her lyrics as jihoon is with his

jihoon liked to think he was rosie’s favorite during this time despite how much he teased her

he always made sure she knew her worth when it came down to it though and taught her to NEVER let somebody else (the haters) define who she has to be

because being seventeen’s rosebud is enough

taglist — @angie-x3 @alixnsuperstxr

click here to join the taglist!

[ciaossu-imagines]

Thank you for your post on the Nanbaka main boys. I really loved it so want to ask again for different characters. 💙 + Mitsuru, Samon, Kiji, Hajime and Kenshirou.

You’re so welcome and thank you for this request! I have such a soft spot for the guards in general and some of these characters are among my favourites, so this is a really fun ask for me to write! I hope you’ll enjoy the headcanons, dear!

SEND ME 💙 + A CONNECTION AND I’LL TELL YOU…

Who orders takeaway?

While at Nanba, meals are provided for free for all of the guards so takeaway isn’t really a huge thing for these guys, unless it’s their days off. For a lot of his days off, Hitoshi was around to cook for Hajime (and since becoming a guard, Hitoshi just makes meals and freezes them ahead of time for Hajime), so he never really goes the takeaway route. Kiji occasionally does takeaway, but only rarely because Kiji is almost always on some fad diet to help his figure. Samon got really, really obsessed with takeaway for a couple of months and literally ate it for every meal once he moved out of the mountains and is kind of sick of even the idea of it now, meaning that Mitsuru is the one who does it the most. And even then, since Mitsuru loves being around people, it’s more common for him to choose to sit down in a place and eat than to grab takeaway.

Who has the more adventurous love life?

Hajime is a workaholic who doesn’t really have a love life, Samon’s love life is…sad, really, and Kenshirou has eyes only for the Warden at this point in his life. Mitsuru occasionally dates, but it’s mostly just casual fun, meaning that Kiji, with his obsession with online dating and desire for a fantastical, sweep me off my feet romance, combined with his super high standards, has the most dramatic and insane dating life. It also doesn’t help that, being the person he is, when Kiji’s standards are met, he falls hard, and he falls fast and gets almost obsessive about his new partner…for a couple weeks or a couple months at most. Kiji is so that person who will say ‘I love you’ obnoxiously early in the relationship. But those feelings always fade as he starts seeing the person’s flaws and decides they don’t actually live up to his standards so he either ghosts them or dumps them and moves on to the next person.

Who is better at keeping secrets?

Hajime and Kenshirou are both excellent secret keepers. However, because Hajime can come off as scary a little intimidating, he’s not often told people’s secrets. Kenshirou, despite coming off as strict and a little judgmental, often finds himself being a secret keeper for someone and, because he feels it’s only common decency, he wouldn’t dream of telling someone’s secret unless it was needed to prevent danger to that person or someone else.

Who knows every rumor?

Okay, but this is both Mitsuru and Kiji. They are definitely gossip buddies…like, that is a large part of the friendship between those two, just having a meal together and spilling all the drama to each other. Nobody is quite sure how both of them know what they know, but if it’s happening in Nanba, one or both of them will know about it.

Who suggests a movie night?

I definitely feel like this would be a Mitsuru thing but the huge problem with it is that the only person he might have any luck in convincing to join him is Kiji and if Mitsuru has to sit through one more romance movie…it’s just not happening. Not with any of them, not unless it’s ordered to keep their jobs.

Who tries to convince the other to try skydiving?

Again, I feel this is a Mitsuru thing. I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I do think that Mitsuru is someone who would be into extreme sports of various types and skydiving would appeal to him. Kiji wouldn’t go – the outfits they need to wear are simply too atrocious to be on his body. Hajime wouldn’t go because he thinks it’s a waste of his time (honestly, he’s more of a rock-climbing guy anyway). Kenshirou, though he manages it well and doesn’t make it public knowledge, is afraid of heights. Samon, however? He’s willing to give it a try.

Who is the holiday planner?

Again, this is where the duo of Kiji and Mitsuru really comes in wonderfully handy. Both men have a lot of holiday spirit and strong opinions. Mitsuru is definitely the one who comes up with the craziest ideas and gets everyone hyped up for the holiday, as much as he is able, while Kiji actually rather excels at handling all the minutiae.

Who spams the other with memes?

Mitsuru will go through spells where the only way he’ll digitally communicate with others will be gifs and memes. He normally only stops when Momoko beats him up enough for him to realize she’s seriously getting pissed off with his antics and honestly, by that point, everyone else in Nanba prison, including the other men, are thanking her silently for it.

Who has never enough money with them and lets the other pay for things?

Samon’s actually kind of bad at this. Money has never really been a big thing for him. While he does realize it’s essential for life outside of the mountain and he does his best to manage his money well, he is guilty of honestly forgetting to grab money before he heads out. It’s so bad that most of the places located in Nanba have a running tab set up for him.

Who wants to try a classic sleepover?

I do see this as being something Kiji has maybe tried to set up at least a handful of times, because it is really something that would appeal to him. However, everyone else either gave excuses, like being too busy, or in Hajime’s case, just told him to fuck off.

Who answers their phone at 2 am?

Okay, but because of their roles as not only prison guards, but as Supervisor’s of their respective buildings/divisions, every single one of these men are well-trained to answer their phones as quickly as possible, no matter the time of day or night, just in case of an emergency.

Who plays pranks?

This one is kind of an easy answer, just because it’s shown in canon that this is very much something that Mitsuru not only does but loves doing. Hajime tends to be his target more often than not, but the others do get it to some extent as well.

Who initiates dates for the other?

Mitsuru has, either in complete seriousness or just to fuck with them, he’ll never confirm which one, made online dating profiles for each of the other men. He’s definitely shown them the results of those dating profiles which are very…interesting reads. How quickly and how badly the other men reacted varied, but Mitsuru was more than a little beat-up by the time he finished showing them to everyone.

Who is more chaotic?

Mitsuru is Nanba’s true chaotic neutral. Like, yeah, he’ll do his job and he doesn’t really want bad things to happen but overall, his main priorities are to amuse himself and to create a little chaos and fun for everyone around him.

Who has the more bizarre quirks?

Okay, but have you met any of these men? They are all full of bizarre quirks in their own unique ways. Hajime has his super-strength, weak stomach, his hair is super curly when grown out, but baby fine and prone to frizz, so he sports either ramen-head or a blond afro if he doesn’t shave his head every couple of days. Kiji is full of bizarre little quirks, especially verbal ones, and swears his feet will get blisters if he even tries to wear anything without a designer name and a bit of a heel. Mitsuru is nothing but bizarre but his inability to really talk at a normal volume definitely counts. Kenshirou can hear frequencies that normally only dogs can hear and Samon, along with being freakishly strong, is a monkey in all but species.

Who spends the most money on unnecessary things?

Kiji has a love for shopping, especially online shopping, and is so the type who will buy anything on sale, even if the sale only amounts to being something like ten cents off, because he just can’t pass up a bargain. Clothes, make-up, skincare, bath supplies, perfume, and scented candles are really his weaknesses though.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

after i was diagnosed with diverticulitis i slowly started to change my diet. now, eating primarily whole foods isn’t always exciting but boy do you feel the difference and i lost 20 pounds in two months 🤦🏻‍♀️

Holy moly admin, I’m sorry 😥 I had to read up on that, it sounds painful. I’m glad you were able to turn your diet around and found a way to stick to it, getting older and the harsh effects that come with it is no joke. The way my metabolism changed between my 20s and 30s is such a kick in my ass. If I don’t do something active every day and even think about a chocolate shake or chicken strips and fries my ass automatically jiggles for like 2 weeks 😭

What are some main staples in your whole food diet? Like do you avoid carbs altogether or just certain ones at certain times? I find that if I don’t eat carbs (flour products, bread, potatoes, rice, pasta and corn), added sugars, processed food, dairy, grains, legumes, alcohol or oils (cooking and all fat oils and butter) 3 consecutive days each week, my cravings for the bad stuff becomes less, my inflammation goes away and I can drop at least 2 pounds a week and that’s without any working out, plus I quit caffeine period. *I’m not a nutritionist or diet expert* It is easy to maintain and each week gets easier if you stick to it, but obviously I’m human so this is not something I do all the time for weeks at a time. I’m a foodie at heart and if I want loaded nachos with a steak and bang bang shrimp on the side, I’m a do it 🤣 especially around that time of the month….but that’s when I’ll up the weight and reps in my workouts too.

you're right, i swear i turned 25 and all of a sudden shit got real 😂 i know exactly what you mean though.. nowadays i have been trying to do at least 10k steps every day (walking or jogging) and weight lift 3/week. 2022-2023 was challenging health wise for a variety of reasons and i felt like a big change was needed. ended up having surgery for my endometriosis/an ovarian mass and promptly put on a medication that basically was like a taste of menopause.. hot flashes, joint pain, insomnia, nauseous all the time.. i'm just now coming off of it and i tell you that shit made it so hard to lose weight lmao i'm hoping things will be stable off of it.

everything you said makes perfect sense to me! the longer i go without eating ultra-processed/hyperpalatable foods in general, the easier it gets and the less i crave them. this year i actually ended up buying and participating in a medical weight loss plan because i NEEDED for someone to.. basically just tell me what to eat. i wasn't technically overweight - i know how to eat low calorie and i know how to lose weight if i need to, but not in a healthy way at all. that really was what changed for me, taking their little nutritional class and receiving a meal plan with tons of details about the different groups and how much to eat each day. i realized i was eating so much MORE food - my meal plan was more than i could even manage most days, and yet i lost weight, like now i look like a different person.. it's crazy. i realize i'm sensitive to sodium and i was really inflamed, even in my face, looking back it was so pronounced. on my meal plan, i couldn't add any salt to my food, only salt free seasonings. so that was a big thing lol to answer your question about staples, it's a little tricky.. i haven't banned carbs at all, but i have reduced them a bit. for instance, i'll still have rice, but i will do 1/4 of a cup or 1/2 cup and load up on veggies. nowadays i just eat the live carb smart bread and buns. potatoes are my FAVORITE, so i just try and eat a bit less of them, corn as well. the tricky part about trying to eat as many whole food meals as possible, is that i don't want to cook a meal every single night. i'm big on meal prepping, but i don't really like to eat microwaved food. i feel like it makes food taste weird, ESPECIALLY chicken, which happens to be my general protein of choice. so i've been eating a lot of beef, eggs and cottage cheese for protein. i love vegetables so there's countless options to add in my rotation. i'm very much still learning what works for me, and like you, i'm a foodie who loves to eat. i'm never going to be someone made miserable trying to stick to a very strict diet. i want to enjoy those delicious nachos every once in a while too LMFAO

[angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings]

Hey there, Mike! I saw your post about diet culture and I gotta say that you stated some pretty good points. Although, I was wondering if you can possibly give us an infodump on diet culture entirely with credible sources stating why foods aren’t bad for you? As well as as an faq of sorts for those who think that shaming or lecturing others for their eating habits will help them make healthier eating choices? And maybe include some resources as well for those looking for support as they’re trying to break off from diet culture? Maybe Dr. Feelings could chip in as well also? You don’t have to answer my question if you don’t want to. I’ll understand. I hope you have a good day/night!

Hello anon! ✨️

I'm happy you liked my small rant about diet culture. I didn't know anyone read that -

I don't know if you would call this an infodump since I'm not autistic, but I will do my best to give you all the insight I have! 🧡🤞🏾

Each source will be a hidden hyperlink marked with an emoji that resembles my favourite food because I say so! ✨️

1. Food is not bad (unless it's poisonous, molded or you're allergic to it!)

Food has no moral value. Food is neutral. It has nothing to do with being good or bad or more or less disciplined.

Food is fuel. We can agree that all food is fuel. Your body needs calories to function & so calories are not the enemy. Food also has nutrients your body needs & of course: different foods have different nutrients.

While there are no "bad" foods, it is true that certain foods don't provide much physiological benefit to the body as others. Some foods have ingredients that aren't nutritious for the body, like trans fats & artificial additives. But naturally, your body won't really 'like' them. They are hard to digest & they can cause trouble.

Balance is key!

[🍕] [🥞] [🍪]

2. Why you should not comment on the food choices of another person

... even though you mean well & care about them.

You aren't them.

Hihi, did you think there was more? I can name many other reasons, but they all are summoned up in these three errr four words: YOU ARE NOT THEM.

The ONLY case, in which you were allowed to say something about someone's eating habits, would be if you were their doctor. Which you are likely not.

To be fair, it's hard to watch someone struggle or make the 'unhealthy choice'. It's only natural that you want to help. But only if you really think it would benefit - most of the time, the person is aware of their problem. I think you have to consider the situation & the relationship status.

3. Breaking free from Diet Culture

This is a tough one & it's not easy. As Dr. Feelings, I can give you these tips, but the list is bottomless.

Think of your body as your friend (it is).

Do a lot of self-work: work on your selfworth, on your mindset, on your stress management & your emotional well-being. Consider going to therapy to heal your mind & to improve your mental health.

Define why you want to be free from it, what do you want to achieve? Ask yourself why diet culture has a hold on you & why you let it.

You might want to check out the hashtags #foodfreedom #ditchdietculture & #edrecovery out on social media. There can be a lot of positivity & help there too.

Keep your distance from ANYTHING that screams diet. Like, really. Not worth it. Be aware that gyms & diet companies get more prominent in spring, early summer & as the new year's eve approaches (for obvious reasons). Mostly, it's JUST marketing.

4. Resources for Recovery 🧡

I have found this nice website thay can give you some information on Eating Disorders & about Recovery:

& also this website:

I know you are all strong fighters & I'm very proud of you all! Keep going, you're amazing!

(Wow, that was a lot. I hope you got something from it at least, I'm not as brilliant as Donnie >/////<)

I love you all! 🧡✨️

[waitmyturtles]

I think (I THINK) I have caught up on most of the commentary on The Promise, episode 6, which I was behind on yesterday because WEDNESDAYS ARE HARD RIGHT NOW, THANKS THE EIGHTH SENSE (I have decided to skip the Our Skyy 2 episodes of the series that I didn’t watch, and binge ‘em later). I’m especially following @respectthepetty‘s tag and @heretherebedork‘s tag (I didn’t realize @dribs-and-drabbles was watching this, and I’ll peep your tag when you catch up next week!)

I’m especially influenced this week by @bengiyo’s excellent critical commentary -- very necessary commentary for a cishet gal like me to read -- about what Phu represents from a queer culture perspective, and how Our Dating Sim did this same paradigm far more successfully and succinctly. The running away, the disappearing, the coming back, and what it all means.

I think one ground rule I’m operating on for The Promise now is that Khom Kongkiat/Uncle Tong really needs to sell this skincare shit, so it’s a long-ass series, and we just didn’t need to deal with that as much in KinnPorsche because there was SO MUCH GOING ON in K/P/Vegas/Pete/Kim/Khun/general mafia world. And I wonder if Uncle Tong is struggling a tad to sell these products while needing to fill static air.

All that said. I’m an old biddy whose family hails from a similar kampung/village situation as Nan and Phu. I really still like this show.

I happen to like the slow and quiet pace! I’m always a defender of a slow trudge towards change. Because...

These guys are what, in their early 30s?

Every decade of getting older makes making behavioral change happen a little bit easier. (I certainly entered my early middle-age season with a lot less fucks to give, for damn sure -- but I had to live my previous decades to get there.) 

Phu disappeared for 10 YEARS, after college, so all of his twenties and a little of his thirties. Then he comes back to Bangkok, to Nan. One would hope: Phu’s come back older and wiser. Sure, maybe. Kinda not. Kinda sorta. 

Even after 10 years, I’m not going to expect someone who RAN THE HELL AWAY to know what to do, to know what to say, to Nan, and to manage his (Phu’s) own feelings of fear. Phu’s solution in his 20s was to run away. In his early 30s, he’s inched back, but doesn’t know how to cross that finish line -- YET. I don’t see how Phu lived a life during that time that would have given him an answer of how to deal with his situation with Nan. He still doesn’t know! He’s still paralyzed by fear. Your 20s are a really confusing time! You’re working through all the shit of your childhood and teenage years. 

Imagine smoking your entire life, and trying to quit. Trying all sorts of shit. Changing that behavior is REALLY HARD. It can feel IMPOSSIBLE. Same with dieting, same with exercise. It is REALLY HARD TO CHANGE BEHAVIORS AND PARADIGMS.

Phu, in his 20s, on the eve of graduation, really gave into his desires that night in the dorm room. That was a hell of a kiss -- that was the longest version of the kiss that we’ve seen. And Nan fell backwards, drunk, only with the words, “You promised never to leave me,” and passed out. Phu didn’t know what to do or what to say -- how to tie that knot again, outside of the specter of getting drunk and releasing inhibitions. That wasn’t a part of his paradigm back then.

So as an old biddy, a social worker, a sympathizing mom: I unfortunately still feel for Phu. Because at least in my real life, I’m surrounded by people who haven’t been able to surmount big emotional obstacles for their entire long-ass lives, and I see that as real-real reality. People who can’t work because of their fear of failure. People with agorophobia who can’t leave their rooms or houses. 

I sure hope this fictional skincare commercial resolves differently. I think it will. Granny’s picked up on what’s going on. She’ll put together why Phu asked her to lie to Nan all those years, if she hadn’t already way back when. She’ll flirt it up with Nan to get on Nan’s good side. Nan’s STILL poking about Melbourne. He’s not going to drop it. He’s got support from Party and Gigi. Party’s ready to catch Nan if Nan finally decides to cut ties. 

But: Nan sees Phu in pain. I know the majority read on that nightmare scene is -- why should we sympathize with Phu? I totally get it.

From Nan’s perspective, I think it’s more complicated. It’s not black or white. Nan grew up with Phu.... so Nan might have a better sense than all of us that Phu might just really suck at solving problems, and is paralyzed by fear. Even Granny confirmed it, and asked Nan to be there for Phu.

Right? Phu does suck at solving problems. It was Nan who needed to close the deal on the coffee shop joint. It’s Nan that had to help Phu get over his fear of crowds to shoot a successful campaign.

I think these dudes are balancing each other out. I see it right now as VERY imbalanced in Phu’s favor, holding Nan hostage, and my heart is with Nan. Nan has needs, too.

But Nan... can’t help but continue to be there for Phu, to hold Phu, to let Phu hold Nan. Nan can’t help his shit, either. I’m not going to judge or blame him, because he has his needs, too. We’ve all been in his shoes.

Two dudes who can’t help their shit, who keep coming back to each other. The old gal in me -- maybe like Granny! -- says, let them figure their shit out. This unnecessary crap pain they’re feeling: they need to make their mistakes in order to get to their happiness. I’m not ever going to push anyone to behave perfectly, either in real life or in dramas, except when the scripts utterly suck (cough cough UMG cough). 

Sell the stem cell shit, Uncle Tong, keep doing your thing for your funding. The series is a little too long for us to hold out THIS LONG for Phu, but I think, for all the obstacles this series is facing, that Khom is treating these two with as much compassion as the script can handle at this moment. It CAN’T LAST FOR THAT MUCH LONGER. Phu has GOT to start barking. If it lasts past the next episode, then I think we lose patience and timing altogether.

But maybe, maybe, I trust in Khom to get us past Phu’s confession, because we’ll only have three episodes after that to witness what Nan decides. And Nan CERTAINLY deserves ALL THE FUCKING TIME HE NEEDS to decide how he’ll deal with Phu to the end of the series.

FINGERS. CROSSED. It’s on you, Uncle Tong! Get the timing right, otherwise, yes, we will have to peace tf out.

****

SIDE NOTE: I LOVE PARTY AND GIGI. I LOVE WHAT THEY’RE WEARING, I LOVE THAT THEY LOVE NAN. I LOVE THEM! I want Party’s pants and Gigi’s jewelry. They’re great. I think they get squeezed out by the skincare promotions. I want more of them.

[permanentconundrum]

10/04/23

I’ve decided I want to get faster at writing so I am going to blog a few days and try to make a practice of it. I worked on my writer resume tonight. It’s already 9pm. I am kind of tired. Listening to old school indie music. Still no job yet, since August 2022. It might be weird to go back to work. I’ll need to make sure I can wake up early. Read a little philosophy this afternoon. I should check the news in the NYT. I haven’t been paying close attention recently. I talked to a recruiter about a few jobs but they don’t pay great. In the first half of 2022 I started looking at work because I wanted to take the next step. Now I’m taking a step back perhaps. That’s what happens when you don’t work for over a year. I have had time for poetry though. That’s been good. I hope to finish some poems. Read some sad poems in the October issue of Poetry Magazine, but I think poetry is a great place for difficult topics. Reminds me to pray for others, and know someone somewhere is having a difficult time. You aren’t alone in this. I think it’s important to remember those who are suffering. You aren’t alone in this. I kind of want to look at art more. I want to read more too. I read some last night, the October issue of Poetry. The Decemberists are on the radio. I’m thinking about how to manage myself so that I don’t run myself out of energy. Sometimes you need to not use all your energy in one activity so you can focus elsewhere as well. I have a running goal to lose weight by the end of 2023. Send positive vibes. I want to look more like a runner. I pass quite a few runners in town driving around. Running is a big goal. Poetry is too, but I need to find a job so I can pay bills. I’m watching my diet again. I didn’t watch it last week really. It’s rough. I have trouble getting to the gym 7 day/wk. But maybe I just need to build the habit. It is incredibly important to my health. Where do I want my life to go? I want to be a senior engineer. Or I want enough money to buy a car and go to NYC every year. I want to pay off school debt. Yeah, the job is the money, but it can be fun or at least important. It is work. Somehow I want energy to write too. And read. So more writing and reading and less TV. I want to read more too. Having a job will take energy, but I don’t need to commit myself to 10hour days every day. I hope to get interviews for the jobs I applied to today. I also should apply to more. Maybe tomorrow I won’t sleep through the afternoon and be able to work on more submissions. I could stay up later tonight because I haven’t been able to fall asleep very well. I am watching my energy and mood and healthy habits this month. October has been difficult in the past. I don’t know if it’s from burn out at work or just an affect of the season. I have been pretty happy in Spring and Summer this year. I think I don’t like the sun setting soon. Maybe I will take a drive tomorrow and look at leaves. This blog is all over the place but it’s fine. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful about with things like mood and energy. I do need more daily focus on diet and exercise. I’m hoping to get to the gym 5 days this week. Both today and yesterday were good runs. Tomorrow I’m going for a speed work out. Twins won their wildcard game to progress in the playoffs. Watching the news now. But the gym is very important to me. I need to keep the habit building weekly and daily. I am excited about making progress with running. Longer durations and more mileage and hopefully higher speed. I will stretch tonight. I’ve been feeling sore today. I used a couple weight machines in addition to my treadmill workout. Not all the machines, I was not feeling the weights today. I have a few goals longer term, but I should think about shorter term goals. I did hit a distance target about a week ago. Maybe I should try to tack on half a mile to that distance. I need to think about what to do for easy run. I guess easy should just be easy, and push on the hard efforts, like speed work and long runs.

[annafragiile]

hi there

idk if anyone will see my posts but it doesn’t matter I think.

I’ll be using this like a diary of some sorts? I used to write this stuff into my physical notebook and then later into my notes on my phone but I thought I’ll give this a try, cause I didn’t do the other two methods consistent enough.

I think I should introduce myself; I’m 23 and been pr0-a for 10 years now, but with many interruptions.

~~~

Consistency and finishing my tasks are something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ll start something, get super excited over it, but then drop it after some time if I don’t see any pleasing results.

It all started when I tried to get down to my dream weight, but didn’t work hard enough for it and just gave up. But it’s not like all those thoughts stopped, I still felt bad after eating too much and was scared of standing on a scale.

When I think back, the only time I’ve been really happy and didn’t think about my weight was when I actually managed to achieve my dream weight without realising it. Because of drüg abüse I lost a lot of weight and had my dream body. Tho I stopped doing drügs after I realised how damaging they were to my body, I still maintained my weight. I think I only gained 1 or 2 k g which is amazing considering that I ate a lot.

I was really happy then, I wore a lot of skin tight clothes and didn’t worry about it looking unflattering on me, it was perfect..

My first real down came when Covid hit, I had a depression relapse and the thing I realised about myself is, the worse my mental health is, the more I eat. I ate so much, i didn’t even know what feeling hungry was like. Waking up I was still full from the food I ate the night before, it was not healthy at all. Of course I started gaining weight after a while, so I decided to go to the doctor. I got anti-depressants prescribed and I used them for a little bit over a year, they helped and I managed to lose a bit of weight again.

My second down was recently. I stopped taking my meds one year ago cause I was feeling fine and also didn’t like the way they made me feel, made my body react to caffeine and controlled my sleeping schedule. I was fine at first, but without realising it my mental health got gradually worse again. I started eating more and suddenly I didn’t fit into my jeans anymore. My face started looking chubby without me realising it. I finally had the courage to stand on a scale and it was devastating. It’s never been this high before. I felt like shit. I immediately went on an oat meal diet and managed to go down 4k g.

I’m still far away from my dream weight, I’m still really uncomfortable, even if I managed to do a little damage control. It’s not enough. I need to be more persistent, I know I can do this.

~~~

I’ll be posting my daily calorie intake and also my weight.

If you read my post all the way down feel free to reach out. I have no one to talk to about this, have always kept it to myself but maybe it’ll help if I have someone to talk to, we could push each other to achieve our goals .. <3

[jodilinbio]

Part 49

Written in late 2014, edited in 2024

The teens ended up being the worst years of my life, especially mid-2014 through 2016, and then beyond.

2014 was both great and horrifying. This time, the scary part had nothing to do with money but with my health. I came to realize that the number 4 was indeed unlucky, and then later learned that many Asian cultures believe the same. Once I realized it wasn’t my imagination after all, I was concerned when 2014 arrived. Since the year started off great and we got to the summer without any catastrophes, I was just about to relax and let my guard down until July 9th rolled around.

In late January, I found a new primary care doctor—a young and gorgeous 32-year-old I’ll call Dr. C. She was tall, blond, and blue-eyed, which is not my usual type, but her sexy smile and compassionate, personable nature won me over. I’ll admit, I developed a crush on her.

Dr. C diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s disease, which explained why my body wouldn’t respond to diet and exercise. I’d suspected either that or diabetes. Bloodwork also revealed I was low in vitamin D and had high cholesterol, the latter likely driven up by hypothyroidism and genetics. She started me on vitamin D supplements, 50 mcg of levothyroxine for my thyroid, and simvastatin for my cholesterol.

She referred me to an endocrinologist, Dr. D, who was my age and from Venezuela. Due to her packed schedule, my first appointment wasn’t until April and I can’t say I liked her very much.

Before seeing the endo, we had the trip of a lifetime! In late January, we spent a week in Ka’anapali, Hawaii, on the island of Maui. It was the BEST vacation ever. Flying first class was great.

We stayed in a $500-per-night room with an ocean view and loved watching the whales that had migrated from Canada.

We packed so much into that week: swimming, snorkeling, catamaran sailing, a luau, and even a submarine tour where we saw a sunken ship (deliberately placed for fish and sub-riders). The beaches were breathtaking, and swimming in the ocean was so much fun. The waves were huge, and timing was everything to avoid being knocked down. Tom wasn’t so lucky one time, and I laughed so hard, as did a woman nearby.

The luau wasn’t as fun as I hoped, but the catamaran ride was great, even if the food was bland. Snorkeling, though—that was magical. At first, I didn’t get the hype of looking at a sandbar, but once I ventured farther out—wow. The vibrant tropical fish and coral were like nothing I’d ever seen.

In April, I finally saw Dr. D. A normal TSH level is close to 0; mine was a staggering 32. After starting on 50 mcg of levothyroxine, it dropped to 12. Dr. D raised my dosage to 75 mcg, and I was okay at first, not realizing the stuff takes time to build up in the system.

Between the trip and the summer, we focused on home improvements. We painted, recarpeted, replaced old curtains with blinds, installed a new dishwasher, and swapped the dark brown carpet for a sandy beige shade called “Nomad.” We got new furniture as well.

Life was great—until one day shy of our one-year anniversary in the new house.

That morning, after Tom left for work, I found myself highly wound up. I had been for a couple of weeks, as well as short of breath, and figured it was simply me adjusting to having normal thyroid levels. I tried to calm myself but just minutes later, my heart began racing and pounding like crazy. Utterly terrified, I feared I’d accidentally overdosed. Though I wasn’t sure if it would kill me, the possibility crossed my mind as my head spun and fear consumed me.

I knew I needed to act. First, I had to call Tom to let him know in case something happened. Then, I opened the back door for the paramedics, just in case I passed out. My shaky hands somehow managed to work my new smartphone, and I called both Tom and 911. The dispatcher stayed on the line with me until help got to me. The paramedics arrived quickly, hooked me up to a cardiograph, and reassured me I hadn’t had a heart attack or taken a lethal dose. Relieved, I called Tom to tell him he didn’t need to rush home after all.

Months ago, I didn’t know nearly as much about Hashimoto’s, the medication used to treat it, or perimenopause/menopause. I knew in my gut that it wasn’t normal for me to feel that degree of epic anxiety, going into menopause or not, and that it was mostly connected to the medication. But what frustrated the shit out of me was that none of the doctors seemed to believe me. My primary care doctor was so sure that I had developed a severe case of anxiety out of the blue and prescribed a low dose of lorazepam to help. It helped to a degree but I also still knew my own body better and what was normal for it. If I hadn’t felt that way during the worst times of my life, why would I suddenly feel like that when things were at their best? Still, the anxiety was so overwhelming at times that I was grateful for the pills to take the edge off.

I continued to have the most god-awful feelings: my heart would race, I’d feel suffocated and dizzy, I had constant diarrhea, started losing weight rapidly, panicked, and felt like I was dying. It was the worst experience of my life. I’d rather gain 100 pounds than go through that again!

Eventually, I stopped taking all my medications, including my cholesterol pills. By then, I was terrified to take anything—vitamins, painkillers, nothing. While my primary care doctor was okay with me pausing the medication until I could see my endocrinologist for adjustments, she was adamant I needed to see both a psychiatrist and a counselor named Dana in Folsom.

Tom raised a valid point: I didn’t need a psychiatrist because I wasn’t crazy; I needed a lower dosage. Seeing a counselor was one thing, but being sent to a psychiatrist just to be given medication to tolerate another medication at the wrong dose was absurd. We realized we’d been too accommodating and had had enough of the incompetence, phone tag, and bureaucracy. That medical group, as a whole, was terrible. My endocrinologist was overbooked, her staff was incompetent, and while my primary care doctor was kind, I needed someone who would listen to me. After all, we found numerous complaints online from people taking the same medication. They certainly couldn’t all have suddenly been “just anxious.”

In November, we switched medical groups where I got a new primary care doctor, a new endo, and the same problem of not being believed and told that the medication can’t make you anxious because it’s the same stuff your body makes anyway. Don’t take my word for it though. When I say otherwise, look it up for yourself. Some people really are sensitive to this stuff, like it or not. I think a lot of doctors brush off side effects to make their jobs easier, which is a shame.

Dr. A, a young Ecuadorian physician, put me back on levothyroxine but at just 25 mcg for starters, since as she explained, the best way to deal with PTSD is to slowly expose someone to something they’re afraid of. Oh, I was definitely afraid of it all right, and had definitely acquired the case of PTSD!

Andy visited us in late November. It was wonderful to hug him for the first time in 15 years. While he talked too much about topics I didn’t care for—like celebrities, news, and God—it was still great to see him.

I’m no longer friends with Maliheh or Nane. Maliheh dumped me after feeling confident I’d keep her name out of my story. She befriended me under false pretenses, which shouldn’t surprise me considering her past behavior. I’m better off without phony people like that. As for Nane, I cut ties with her because of her hypocrisy and judgmental attitude.

I almost ended my friendship with Alison for a couple of reasons, but realized she has many more good qualities than bad, and the problems weren’t anything major.

I’ve been troll-free for over a year now, though I can’t say whether they still check in on me.

The park remains noisier than I’d like for a retirement community, especially during the weekdays. The constant landscaping and loud vehicles are a major annoyance. Another frustration is Bob turning his garage into a workshop. While I understand his need to stay active, the noise from his woodworking projects is still intrusive. Still, he and his wife are the best neighbors we’ve ever had.

Our rat, Romeo, passed away a few days ago. He was very old and, while not one of our favorites, he’ll be missed. We’re surprised Sugar, who had a stroke last May, is still with us.

[theprinceofnothingatall]

November 17, 2024- 110.2 ish

It’s all going to shit again and it’s my fault.

I’m “fixing” it by water fasting for 6 days.

I crave a cigarette and I haven’t tasted one in two months now. Just sounds nice with the cold air. Maybe I’ll go out on the roof and have one on Friday.

My partner came home. He’s sitting on the bathroom floor doing homework while I’m in the bath. Really annoyed the past two days, but I stopped taking my bipolar meds and anxiety so that’ll do it. Still taking my apple cider vinegar and green tea weight loss pill.. only one the next few days since it’s water fast diet of lemon water, diet soda, black coffee, and plain herbal or black tea. I could have a bang or 0 cal energy drink on Friday but no money til then. I’ll break about 142 hours or longer on sat. I’ll take a bite of something. No more than that I have to be careful not to hurt my tummy. I’m going to feel so good. I’ll be 50 hrs in when I go back to work Tuesday. Work for 3 days. Good activity.. I’ll work really hard. Fasting so I feel better. They won’t fire a sick person who’s brother attempted suicide and they need me it’s end of the year. I won’t screw up anymore. I won’t be so worthless anymore. It’s a bit crazy trying to lose 10 pounds in 6 days but hey it’s possible. I’ve never water fasted longer than half a day. Nearly a week will only trim my down, take away any bloat and make me feel light as a feather. This will make me feel better… every 10 hours I can have soda or a drink or tea or something.. maybe 5. In 5 hours it’ll be almost 4. I’ll have a soda. 5 more hours it’ll be almost 9, I’ll have ginger tea or something. Drink my black coffee in a small cup so it’s more manageable and more like 1 cal the 1-2 cal tea and coffee will have won’t break just 10 from the energy drink would cause just cause. My fast my rules. Monday I’ll fall asleep at 8 or 9. Prolly 8 just to make sure. I’ll start taking iron. My leg circulation has been fucking up. B/p free face in… well by Dec 1. Guess my limit for camping will be 400. Might stay that too con then go up to 742 then back down.. after … god thanksgiving is the 26. That’s in nevermind the 28… still that’s 10 days. My limit will stay 400 for the camping tree and I’ll go back to water fasting when we get back… 742 cal limit for thanksgiving then back to water fasting depending. If I’m 99 in 6 days, or even 101.2. No 99, I can go to 400 after thanksgiving til con but that’s just 9 days. That’s 216 hours.. 3 days more than what I’m doing now. Only an hour and half in.. the fucking irony of my stomach making noises because of the pill moving my food and my fat gut digesting pizza and he asks if I want anything for lunch. His appetite has come back some. But I’m still only 74 pounds lighter… our difference needs to be drastic.. if I were 84 he’d be 100 pounds more than me. But he’s gonna lose more.. 74 pounds lighter than me then he’d be 158… prolly as far down as he’ll get anyway… it’s so triggering to me.. I’ll have to lose weight fasting like this. I’m clipping all my nails when I get out of the shower. Maybe I’ll paint them. He whispered I love you. Doesn’t sound like him. That fake. God he won’t touch me rn why did he think it would be so easy for me to touch her last night? We just had that conversation JUST a few hours before. Then turned it around like I was the bad one. They’re about to be so busy with work I can at least fake eat. I’ll not ask for food from their job. Hell maybe I’ll drop a cup size by Dec 1 that’d be nice. Imma finish my wig… well one of them today. And drink my water and whatnot. Maybe if I faint at thanksgiving my dad will give a shit. I have to be smaller and clearly sicker than my dumb ass step sister… taking laxatives.. god and she looks like an ugly witch right now. At least when I’m thin I’m pretty.. I want her to see me and how I do it so much better. I want them to wonder what happened to me and worry. My dad will give me money to try and encourage me to get groceries and I’ll be grateful. I just want them to care. The perfect little partner on this camping trip. He can pull me onto his lap. They’ll be wine I’m sure. His parents are fancy. My sweet reward for my hard work. Only needing a glass to get a good buzz. They’ll order that fancy pizza. I’ll grab a small piece and take a bite. Two bites for symbolism. Maybe eat the slice.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Omfg it took me 84 years to do it, but I’m finally caught up with work stuff again! \o/

Does this mean my work induced burnout is over? GOD I HOPE SO.

Shit has been hanging over me like the sword of Damocles for weeks now.

Doesn’t help many of my internal and external customers are needy af (*narrows eyes at one external customer in particular*), but hopefully now that we’re moving into June this means our whole team can actually breathe again.

I love the holiday season as much as the next person, but I do not love all the work at the end of the year getting shoved to the beginning of the new one. It makes February thru May/June a NIGHTMARE.

Nightmare as in most of my coworkers are having public mental breakdowns instead of our usual private ones! Yay!

Fffff maybe I’ll actually have the bandwidth and brainpower to start taking Korean classes again. I haven’t been able to since the end of last year. T_T I miss them and I know for a fact I’m getting rusty.

Of course I gotta see if I can balance Korean and piano lessons without my brain going into a nuclear meltdown…

I always want my personal bandwidth to be at 200% but in reality it’s probably 65% at best. Is it the ADHD? Is it the OCD? Or is it a secret third option?! Maybe now I’m not in mental survival mode, I can explore all that with my therapist in our upcoming sessions instead of spending them all trying to figure out how to actually function due to extreme work burnout! Yay!

Ngl I’m also kind of hoping if my doctor can figure out wtf is going on with my liver, it might magically give me more energy and solve a lot of other issues. Got the ultrasound yesterday for it and am waiting for the results now. I’m very curious to learn what’s going on, especially since this kind of thing can have to do with connective tissue disorders.

My mom was told when she got her bloodwork done for her RA that it looked like she might have a connective tissue disorder too, though I don’t think that was ever further explored. I’m hypermobile and have wondered about EDS, but have never gotten officially tested for it. Thankfully my hypermobility isn’t excruciating or anything. I just tend to hyperextension that I don’t notice until I move and realize I fucked up lol.

Of course it could also just be regular ol’ inflammation that can be fixed with diet changes and exercise. Just gotta wait and see.

It’s possible the liver thing could be contributing to my never-ending fatigue. It’s also possible my super fun OCD spirals add to it too. lol my old therapist told me my spirals were “exhausting to hear about.” She didn’t mean it in a bad way! Just that she could only imagine how they were to actually experience as a result.

It’s wild seeing an OCD specialist now. My old therapist was fantastic but she didn’t specialize in OCD. New therapist (new-ish) is just able to map this shit out for me and it’s wonderful. OCD often masquerades as intense anxiety and some anxiety management tips and tricks do help it, but damn if seeing a specialist isn’t like night and day. My old therapist taught me some defusion techniques, but now I’m doing a mix of exposure therapy but mostly Inference-Based CBT which are both tailored specifically to OCD and it’s been so helpful. My brain is definitely broken but it feels a hell of a lot less broken now and a lot less scary.

My therapist also let me know there’s specific therapy that addresses OCD and autism together, so that’s something we’re gonna explore too. I don’t have an official diagnosis for autism but my therapist is pretty confident about it. She doesn’t specialize in it but she’s been helping me navigate the possibility. ADHD, OCD, and autism have massive overlap which makes it really fucking hard to separate the three. OCD and autism are really frequently misdiagnosed for one another too because of it. I def have the ADHD and OCD tho, diagnoses courtesy of specialists in both fields.

God I have been so fucking blessed to have amazing doctors and therapists who actually listen to me and take my concerns seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT ones too, but those were years ago when I wasn’t as good at advocating for myself. I know there’s a healthy dose of privilege thrown in there too on my end, but god I feel so fucking lucky.

Maybe it’s too much caffeine or finally being caught up on work but I don’t feel completely fucking exhausted for the first time in like a month or two. I’m not gonna go start running laps or anything, but it’s so nice to feel like my brain isn’t mashed potatoes at the end of the day for once. Yaaaay!

[girldigital]

spinning around

Currently violently hangover at work. I’ve honestly never had to work in this state in the past but I guess that’s what happens when you schedule a work party on a Wednesday.

We gathered for some free beers in the backyard then walked on over to a lovely degustation at a Camberwell Chinese joint. I’ve said it in the past and I’ll say it again, London food keeps impressing me. There was not a singular dud in the sea of plates that was brought out for us. Highlights include: beef and onion dumplings, giant noodles, rice vermicelli noodles, shredded beef, the FISH! Oh my god, the fish. Sublime. There we had a slew of wine glasses which already got me pretty tipsy. I know the alcohol is working it in my system when it starts acting like unprompted truths serum. For someone who’s trying to be back on a diet (or at least trying to limit the relentless gluttony), this place did me no service. Besides, food is especially delicious when it’s free.

After we were done eating, we headed on over to this pub nearby. Funnily enough, the same pub I had gone on that mediocre date I wrote about a few weeks back. I had a glass of rose to start, which then turned into cider, of which I drank shitloads. Not my fault their cups are so massive… And again, hard to say no to free drinks.

As you can imagine, I can still feel the weight of all these drinks crushing my body – mainly my head for now.

I don’t even know what prompted me to open Uber last night, a wise gesture I’m glad I did despite not remembering doing it. It’s especially impressive knowing how I don’t have the app and have to carefully enter the link on browser for it not to bring me to the Hong Kong version (still unsure why that happens). I saw a cheap ride and booked it. One of the longest drives in my life honestly. All I remember was looking over at the driver’s GPS, praying the endless road lines would stop turning and twisting. I got home, and from that moment, have no recollection.

I woke up pant-less, still in a face full of makeup, same shirt, next to a pool of vomit :D. Another reason I’m proud of drunk me is that I did have the clearance of mind to try and grab my trashcan and mostly aimed correctly so that’s nice. I bolted upright at 6am and had my flatmate remind me of the fact that I tried going to the toilet and couldn’t due to the other being in there and now I have even more useless resentment built towards her not going to lie. Not sure I ever spoke about this but she took my old room and we’re all feeling some type of way due to our landlord not choosing the girl we all wanted. Now we’re stuck with this old normie nurse and … Anyway.

Not sure why I’m even typing all of this, it’s not particularly interesting. I guess I just have to waste time. I literally can’t focus on anything and it’s so cold downstairs that I don’t want to go back. It’s cold at my desk too, as I got probably one of the worst seats of the office, but now that I figured where the cold comes from it’s been a little easier to manage. I only have 2 hours left. Still, this shit goes by so slow. I have plans tonight though which is both exciting and daunting. I technically mostly just need rest. Not plans that include poutine, but here we are.

[luvelylili]

48 hour challenge !!

i decided to try @zen-shu ‘s new 48 hour challenge!! i’ve never tried a loa challenge on tumblr, and i’ve seen so many people getting amazing results so here is my take:

backstory

my self concept is not perfect, i get my fair share of doubts & limiting beliefs, i have a lot of failed void attempts but, regardless of everything i always keep going. i believe in the law 100% and i’ve already managed to manifest many things for myself. something i need to work on the most is probably persisting and remaining in the state of knowing that the 3d will conform once i’ve claimed my desires in the 4d. therefore, these are the main pointers i will carry in my mind for the next 48 hours over which i will complete this challenge!!

what i will be manifesting

- clear skin.

my skin is prone to it’s up and down periods, but recently it’s been a little bit too down for my liking so i will be manifesting my pimples clearing up and just to have overall clearer and smoother skin!

- sleep paralysis.

as i mentioned above, entering the void state is something i desire but i haven’t had any success with the good old lie down and affirm method. sooo, i did my research and i found the sleep paralysis method which really interested me and caught my attention for being so easy and straightforward. sleep paralysis is a natural human body mechanism and not dangerous at all, so there’s nothing to be worried about!! it’s also a great tool for manifesting, shifting and entering the void state - all of which we love here :) therefore, i want to manifest having sleep paralysis regularly so that i can experiment with it and use it to my advantage.

- best case scenarios.

over the course of this weekend, im gonna have to be in some situations that i REALLY wish i didn’t have to but i can’t get out of going anymore sooo… anyways, when life give you lemons, you just affirm against unwanted circumstances, right? so that’s what i’ll be doing, whatever happens i’m just going to live firmly in my 4d (this is hard for me so i’m really setting this goal for myself and making a point to stick to this even when my emotions take over)

what i will be doing

- assuming i always manifest in 48 hours, or less.

aside from my affirmations, whenever i catch myself wavering or want to redirect my thoughts without pulling out my whole affirmations list, i will simply stop and affirm that i always manifest my desires easily and effortlessly in 48 hours.

- persist in the state of knowing.

this post, also from zen’s blog, is super helpful!! it really helped my mindset and works as a good pick-me-up for whenever i feel demotivated and start to have doubts about my desires, it helps to come here and be reminded that all that truly matters is the 4d.

- mental diet/affirming.

and last but certainly not least: we affirmate. i want to saturate my mind with my affirmations and create natural thought patterns that align with my desired state - the wish fulfilled. this will help me to live in the end, so i’ll be affirming all throughout the day. i sometimes overcomplicate affirming because i have some law of attraction baggage in which i sometimes think i need to feel my affirmations and i get stressed out when i’m just repeating my affirmations in my thoughts and think i’m doing it wrong? there is no wrong way to manifest, i don’t have to feel or even believe in my affirmations, all i have to do is persist in my repeated positive thoughts (this is a major note to self!!). so, i’ll do this by affirming when i think of my desires and going through my affirmation list first thing when i wake up & last thing before bed!!

my affirmations

- my skin is crystal clear

- i have sleep paralysis every night

- it literally takes me 2 minutes to get sleep paralysis

- i always successfully get sleep paralysis

- everything always works out perfectly for me

- my 3d perfectly reflects my 4d

- my results are instant, my desires are fulfilled, and my 3D is fully conformed

- i have everything i could ever want

- my life is perfect

—

start date: 28 july 2022

end date: 30 july 2022

[erodasfishtacos]

Harry helping pregnant y/n shave her vagina is actually so cute because it’s just so domestic and intimate!! Nobody (his workers) would expect him to do something like that which makes it better 😩

SAME TIME NEXT WEEK

If you enjoy please like, reblog, rec, or come chat with me about it.

warnings: language

—

Harry was in his home office, finalizing a contract for a major American healthcare organization. He’d managed to snag a £300 million deal.

It was nearing nine at night and he was hoping to hurry to submit the final report so he could sneak into the bath with his wife.

At eight months, YN started to become more achy and tired on the daily.

Ever the trooper, she tried to downplay it but Harry could see her wince or how she passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow at night.

He’d taken a moment away from his computer to run her a bath, dim the lights, light a few candles and fill it with lavender bubbles.

She’s groaned in happiness when she saw the scene in front of her, trying to pull Harry’s shirt up and over his head. A few kisses to his neck to try to convince him to join.

Harry couldn’t though. This final copy was to be submitted by 10 PM which is 5 PM where the company was located.

The CEO had just finished with a big sigh of relief before starting an email to thank you (a very small) amount of his employees for their hard work in a very non-personal template that he sent out every time.

He looks up to see his very disgruntled wife standing in the entryway, still dripping from the tips of her hair and glistening on her skin.

“You did this to me,” Y/N accuses him, her voice high and frustrated, glaring at her husband.

“Did wha’?” Harry asks surprised, eyebrows raised in confusion at her appearance in the doorway.

“This!” She huffs, pointing her large belly hiding underneath the soft cotton towel.

“You’re right. Knocked y’up and m’proud of it,” Harry tells her, smiling cockily as he leans back and stretches his arms.

He doesn’t miss when his wife’s eyes focus in on the trail of light hair disappearing into his tight jeans, where his bulge is hugged nicely.

“I can’t see anything past my stomach,” She laments, Harry hopes the towel slips a bit lower from under her arms.

Sue him, her body was the best thing he’s ever had.

“S’what happens when y’pregnant, pet,” He laughs but it fades when her face turns anxious and unsure of herself - something he didn’t see often.

“M’gonna go get back in,” Y/N tells him, clearing her throat and turning on her heel down the expansive hallway.

Of course Harry won’t let that slide and gets up quickly, following after her and wrapping her in a hug from behind.

“Baby, wha’s wrong? I know you didn’t just walk in to remind me I put a baby in you,” Harry hums, pressing himself fully against her damp body. He didn’t care.

“I changed my mind, it’s stupid,” She’s tense and not leaning into the hug like normal.

“Tell me, please, m’heart,” Harry asks softly, hands moving to splay on his baby’s home.

It does something tell when he uses that petname and he knows it.

“Will-this is so dumb. Will you help me shave my bits?” Y/N mutters, looking at the hallway ahead and not back her husband.

Harry would like to giggle and tease her before of course saying ‘yes.’ But he knows that’s not the right thing to do with her vulnerability.

So instead, he kisses the cap of her shoulder and says, “‘Course, my love.”

When they’re in the bathroom, Harry strips down to his tight briefs and Y/N stands there unsure of what to do.

She’d said it’d be weird if he was naked too - he didn’t think so but he’d agreed to her wish.

“Sit on the bench in the shower,” Harry tells her, following her and helping her sit down - pulling the towel off.

When she does, she keeps her legs closed.

His large palms come to rest on her knees, “Why are y’being shy? My face is down there nearly everyday.”

Y/N grimaces at his crudeness, “It’s different.”

“S’not,” He argues gently, “I hope y’not shavin’ for me. Y’know I love y’cunt either way. It’s the best I’ve ever had or will have.”

“I don’t know. Both? I want it gone because it’s uncomfortable too,” She tells her husband, allowing him to part he knees and help her lean against the wall.

The stream of water is pouring down onto Harry’s back and soaking his briefs but he doesn’t care. He lathers her up with the shave cream.

“Y’alright?” Harry asks, speckling a few kisses on her belly before grabbing the razor.

“I love you,” She sniffles, trying to peer down at him.

Her husband laughs softly, “No need to cry, dove. I’ll shave it f’you whenever - even if y’not pregnant. I’d do anything for you, y’know that.”

Then they’re both quiet as Harry goes about shaving for her, being careful of all her intricate grooves and sensitive areas.

He takes it upon himself to do her legs as well because they’re prickly and he knows she’d try to shave those herself and doesn’t want her risking her or the baby’s safety.

After they’re done, he stands up and starts to shuck out of his briefs.

Y/N let’s out a snicker, “Really, H?”

They both know she’s referring to his groin that has grown over the past twenty-five minutes.

Harry huffs, defending himself, “I can’t help it! I get hard anytime I’m around you, let alone when y’naked and full of m’baby!”

Some women during pregnancy struggle with worrying their husbands have lost interest in their bodies.

Y/N never had to worry, especially when he tugs her in close and asks, “Same time next week?”

—

If you liked this work, please considering donating a Diet Coke

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#269

“C’mon in. Don’t be embarrassed. When we were talking in the bar, I told you that I’m looking for a service boy and servant, this is what I am talking about. I want to be comfortable throughout my day. I don’t plan on hiding anything due to some social norm, nor do I want to. You’re just going to have to deal with it. You can start to deal by kneeling in front of me, knees spread, with your head bowed….

“Last night you mentioned that when you were discharged from the Navy a couple of weeks ago, that you felt lost with no direction. Hell, you barely have a roof over your head. I took you home to see how well you take my cock. Well, not good. Not surprising considering how thick my cock is. You will need training—lot of it. Starting with, when I place you in a position, keep it. My cock in your ass needs to be at the right angle to give me the most pleasure. You will need to quit fidgeting. Just go with it.

“What impresses me about you is how you naturally fit into the servant role. Keep that mindset up. Clearly that comes from your time in the Navy. If you have been one of those pushy bottoms, —or what do they call them now, power bottoms,—it would not have ended well.

“Like I told you last night, I served 12 years as a captain. I can tell you that the time in service to the country never leaves you. You need to harness that continued willingness to submit to authority. Channel it. Let it serve you here. I will require nothing less. I’ve been looking for a boy that will carry out my orders without question, just like in the Navy.

“Last night you demonstrated that. Is that something you can live with on a permanent basis? You want to service me 24/7?...

“Good! Let’s start off by understanding that I am always in control of every aspect of my life: from my home to my consulting work, to my motorcycles, to my cigars, and to the boys I fuck.

“Inhale deeply. That’s from this cigar I was gifted by a client. It’s supposedly from a private collection of an exclusive maker. It tastes like shit. It’s a good thing we are in the toilet. The smoke has a better smell.

“You are inhaling deeply. That’s good. What do you know about cigars, other than it makes your wang hard when a real man smokes one sitting on the can in front of you?... Figured. You will be required to be educated in every aspect. I need a boy who will manage my collection. I want you to be to the point that you can recommend a smoke based on my mood and what I am doing, like what goes well with an afternoon scotch or what goes well on a bike run or even what cigar goes well with a blumpkin.

“Do you know what a blumpkin is? It’s when a man gets blown while he’s using the toilet. Yeah, move your mouth here. Reach in and pull my cock out. Get to work. I’m going to enjoy whatever I can out of this rather bland cigar.

“I expect a blumpkin every time I sit on the toilet. I want you to get to the point where you believe that my shit don’t stink. I’m not into shit, so don’t worry about that.

“Now, what you are wearing is all you will wear around here. Just a tightly fit T-shirt, cropped just above the pubic line. That’s referred to as ‘shirtcocking,’ that is wearing a shirt that does not hide your exposed pecker and ass. It gives me uncovered access to my toys when I want to. Yes, they do belong to me. I’m not going to put you in a chastity cage. There’s no way I am going to cover up such a beautiful cock, or that perfect ass. I have an at home gym in the basement, you will maintain your physique and ass. Every day, I want to see your ripped lean body filling out that shirt with a plump meaty fuckable ass exposed underneath it. I’m going to get you a script for Cialis, I want you to have a perpetual hard-on, or at least be semi-hard, throughout the day.

“Yes, you will be able to play with yourself, but no cumming without me allowing it. Pretty much the only time that that usually happens when my spent sloppy deflating cock is being cleaned off in your mouth. You still will need permission though, but that’s the best time to ask, pretty much the only time

“Speaking of cleaning, your job is to clean this place spotless. I will break out the white glove from time to time. You will cook. I want this house to run as smooth as if we were both back in the Navy. You will treat me like the officer I am. That includes saluting me. I expect a full sharp salute from you, none of this pansy-assed shit I see out there.

“Oh man, your mouth feels good. You are doing a better job on all fours in front of me than you did last night. Open your throat, I need to take a piss…. Also, I don’t usually announce when I do that. I mean why would a man walk up to a porcelain urinal and announce he’s going to piss in it?... You’ve drank piss before, haven’t you?... I knew it. You will need to fill me in on the details of that. Later.

“Fuck boy. You really are a natural at this. I would never have guessed it from last night. You were a bit drunk. Well you don’t have to worry about that. You will not drink alcohol from this point on, unless it’s in the form of my piss.

“While I am thinking of you in the bar last night, I saw you cruising the bathroom frequently. That’s going to stop. I am in control of you. I’ll decide later if it will be full monogamy from you, or partial with the caveat that I decide who and when. Get this, monogamy to me is not a two way street. I will certainly not be monogamous to you, bring boys home to fuck whenever I feel like. You will not only accept it, but you will welcome it.

“No fucking jealousy. In fact, I want you turned on to me satisfying my pleasure. Your hole should pucker every time you know I am balls deep in another boy’s ass. And after he leaves, I want you to beg to clean his juices off my cock, no matter how nasty.

“Speaking of nasty. You can stop with the blumpkin. You did well with that.

“Lay on your back. I’m ready for the clean-up. Every blumpkin ends with you eating my ass clean. I control the fiber in my diet enough so that I don’t require toilet paper, and wiping is merely a courtesy. So I should be clean. But if not, don’t mention it. Instead put that tongue to good use and clean me up.”